I don’t know how we got here. Last thing I can remember I was walking down the isle and here I am, this person that went from beautiful bride to beautiful mess.

I guess they didn’t mention in pre Cana that you would spawn into the outrageous lunatic that couldn’t even enjoy coffee anymore, because you wouldnt want to. Sometimes I feel like I drink it so fast because I’d rather burn the shit out of my esophagus than take one more unfueld (<~is that a word) move.

So we have three absolutely beautiful children two boys and a girl. 4, 2 1/2 and 1. This is this first time I haven’t been pregnant since 2011 and I’m just now starting to come out of some apocalyptic trance that I’ve been in since I found out I was first pregnant.

They say it’s a beautiful thing. It is. They say they are the slowest days and fastest years. They are. I’ve lost myself though🤔 ……

Since having children

• my mom has acquired a brain injury which led to uncontrolled alcoholism and has been in and out of rehab unsuccessfully for the past year.
• My cousin who was like my brother, overdosed on heroine leaving behind a 6 month son.
• I was in a wedding and then the groom passed away the day after their honeymoon.
• My childhood neighbor was murdered in a domestic dispute while there 1 year old was there. That’s not ok.
• My two year old has chronic ear infections a sensory disorder and behavior issues.
• I had post partum depression with all three babies.

I had someone inbox me, breaking down about how my kids are out of the house and look so happy and asking, how do I do it ? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I just don’t post about the hardships because the world has enough issues. It’s not their fault that I’m a train wreck in my own mind but they think I’m the best and I really wanna keep that way after being let down by my mom.  A little sunshine should be shared. Also, I use social media as a memory book. I don’t want to remember staying at home with three kids screaming and crying and yelling and sweating and not doing dishes or laundry while they are asleep because I just want to watch trash TV.

Why didn’t I show up for ANYTHING pre-kids is beyond me. I’m rude for that because I absolutely could’ve been there. If it’s your party I didn’t attend, forgive me because I was being a selfish freedom hoarding care free little gal. Now, if I decline now? I’m also sorry.  I’m so busy trying to calculate the every move of these kids to make sure I do it right and that I don’t fuck it up  all while thinking how I hate that we had all of these kids in a row and crave to see my husband that walks along side of me day to day all while in the same bated breathe I’m bragging about how I love them and how cute they are and telling them they make me proud and this is a run on sentence because that is the way that the love of a mom trying to do it all feels and when the day is done…..

you may kiss your B.R.I.D.E